Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

Mrs. Claus’ Cookies – HVRTING Wraps an Extreme Haunt in a Christmas Bow – A Recollection

This is part of Haunting’s Recollection series – it is a complete account of HVRTING’s show, Mrs. Claus’ Cookies. It contains full spoilers and is intended for readers who have attended or could not attend the show, or are curious about this creator’s work. While there are staff members at Haunting that both direct and act in HVRTING experiences, this recollection was written by someone who is not employed by Haunting and was not influenced by any Haunting or HVRTING staff.

 

 

Mrs. Claus’ Cookies began for me, as many of these shows do, by standing at a random street corner at my specifically appointed time. At the exact moment my show is scheduled to begin, a car whips around the corner. Not just any car though – the back seat of this vehicle is filled to the brim with wrapped presents, has reindeer antlers mounted to the sides, and is driven by a nervously festive elf who goes by the name Uber. Uber informs me that I am on my way to the North Pole to interview for a position as an elf. You see, after the events of last Christmas (which is generously referred to as a drunken reappropriation of presents), several elves had been demoted or let go. So, with fewer hands and more work than ever, they had begun opening the Elven ranks to outsiders. I agree to put on a mask to protect my vision as I depart to the North Pole, and off we go.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

The ride is quite fast as we pull up to what is ostensibly the North Pole in a matter of moments. After receiving instructions from Uber to knock on the door using a secret musical code (“Jingle Bells”), I am sent on my way with the chipper vote of confidence – “I believe in you” – echoing in my ears. I walk up the path to the home and am struck with an eerie sense of déjà vu as the location is quite familiar to me. As a matter of fact – the last time I had been at this location was a year prior during the last HVRTING Christmas show – How to Summon Santa. I had entered the same door to bring holiday cheer to a family and then stole their Christmas gifts, got tortured by their father and accidentally summoned a demon. The use of the same location is only the first in a series of moments throughout the night that are deliberate echoes of last year’s show, firmly setting Mrs. Claus’ Cookies up as both a direct narrative and thematic sequel. I knock on the door and, after a beat, the door opens and reveals a familiar face – it’s Twinkle the elf! “Twinkle!” I exclaim, “It’s wonderful to see you again.”

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

We exchange pleasantries as she lets me into the house. The first thing I notice is the festive decor: A large Christmas tree sits in the corner surrounded by presents that stack to the top of the ceiling, while Christmas lights adorn the door frames and windows. The second thing I notice is the smell of fresh cookies and spicy apple cider. “The North Pole is all right in my book,” I think to myself as I survey the main room. A large pile of wrapping paper, bows, and tape lay on a table and Twinkle tells me that my first task in this job audition is to see how well I can wrap presents. After all, the amount of presents that have to be wrapped for every boy and girl in the world is in the millions, so if I get the job I’ll be wrapping gifts day in and day out, all year long. And obviously, Santa Claus has a very high set of standards. So I get to work, selecting a candy cane print paper with a white bow and some ribbon. I take care while wrapping my gift, not wanting to make a bad impression on my potential employer, and as I wrap, I speak with Twinkle about the memories I have of gift wrapping during the holidays and memories from seasons past.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

It’s a good time to note that this event, while produced by the HVRTING team, was advertised as not being an extreme show at all, but one similar in nature to Señor Pirate’s Final Plunder. And, so far, it was proving to be just that – a wonderful and whimsical journey through Christmases past and present. Sharing these memories really put me at ease, and I found it very easy to drop my guard and lean into the playful nature of the story.

 

Just as I complete wrapping my gift, Twinkle’s phone rings to the tune of “Jingle Bell Rock” – it’s a call from the big guy himself. “He’s ready to meet you,” she tells me as she directs me through the home. I can’t believe my eyes as I step outside – sitting in a gazebo directly in front of me is Santa Claus! As in an honest to god man who looks like the best damn Santa Claus I’ve ever seen. I am awestruck at the audacity that HVRTING had to hire an actual Santa actor, and I am lost in the magic of the moment as he gently beckons me to come and sit on his lap.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

“What’s your name young man?” he asks as I sit down. “Daniel,” I reply as I take in his presence. “I hear that you’re looking to join our team here at the North Pole,” he says and I nod my head. “Do you know Christmas well?” he asks and I respond in the affirmative. “We’ll see,” he says, but not to me. I follow his gaze, turn my head, and see a new character sitting on a shelf. It is the proverbial Elf on the Shelf passively observing my conversation. (Point of clarification here – the Elf on the Shelf was invented in 2005 and I have, shall we say, strong feelings about the character. It does not have any place in my Christmas celebrations and I view the character with outright hostility.) This makes the three-way conversation that follows quite awkward as I do my best to impress Santa while letting the Elf know that his presence is not viewed positively – sometimes I just can’t keep out of my own way. Santa takes my criticisms in stride, waves them off, and after ascertaining if I was on the Naughty or Nice list (Nice, obviously) gives me a coin to remember the visit by. Then he announces it is time for me to go back to the home and meet Mrs. Claus while he evaluates my wrapping work with Twinkle.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

Mrs. Claus looks as you would picture her from a Rockwell painting – kindly with warm eyes, glowing cheeks, and an aura of motherly care. I sit down at her kitchen table and after a brief introduction, I quickly have a ball of cookie dough placed in front of me. It appears that there is more work to be done, and that my job interview is not quite over. As I work over the dough ball and knead it out, Mrs. Claus tells me several stories from her life that revolve around baking. She had been raised with a mother who had baked at night, and she had joyful memories of waking up to the smell of fresh cookies in the air. Do you know how she originally met Santa? I didn’t. It turns out that she had wanted to meet him as a younger woman and had heard of his love for baked goods. She decided to lure him out one Christmas with a plate of fresh cookies and, when they finally met face to face, it was true love. As I listen to these tales, I keep working my dough, cutting it into shapes and decorating the cookies for baking.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

This scene with Mrs. Claus invited participants to explore the backstory of an often forgotten character in holiday mythology. Mrs. Claus is rarely fleshed out in mainstream stories, and to have so much time spent with her was a real treat. I found the tales she told to be both personally relatable and interesting within the context of traditional Christmas storytelling. Having a physical activity to do during this moment of gentle exposition was a refreshing change from many immersives in which guests are expected to sit still and listen. Being able to be creative and moving while listening to the story made the moment more tangible and real – and having a multitude of choices to make with the cookies made it fun for me to complete.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

After the cookies are completed and transferred for the baking process, I am called back to the main room by Santa. As it turns out, my wrapping job was great, my Nice List status was affirmed, and my baking skills were up to par – so he offers me the elf gig! After receiving congratulations from Twinkle and Santa I am shown the door with a promise to return for my first day – the following Monday. Twinkle walks me back to Uber’s car, and I am brimming with happiness for my performance and filled with Christmas cheer.

 

I get into the car and Uber starts back to the appointed drop-off spot. In the moment of silence that follows, I think back to the events of the evening and marvel at how the HVRTING team managed to pull off an event that subverted my expectations at every turn, but also left me completely happy with the result. Sure, I was expecting some scares and pain, but the playful off-brand jaunt through a Christmas wonderland left me feeling happy and satiated. Then Uber brings me back into the moment, ripping off her hat and speaking: “I don’t know where The Coordinator bought these hats, but they fucking itch.” “Huh,” I think, “Uber’s breaking character pretty fast now that the show’s over.” She then asks what I thought about the change in creative direction and I express my enthusiasm. There’s plenty of room for an all-ages show with the high level of production value and talent that HVRTING has at its disposal. This was a show I’d bring my wife to! I am midway through talking about the need to be crystal clear in the show content, as some other participants I know would have been disappointed by the lack of scares… when the presents in the back seat explode and a dark figure seizes forward and grabs me from behind. “Surprise motherfucker! Tipsy’s back!” And in that moment, the deception that had been perpetrated became crystal clear.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

Tipsy tells me that, after the events of last year, he had been fired from the North Pole and, with no other opportunities or skills, he fell into life on the streets. The day-to-day of a street elf is anything but glamorous and he quickly lost the means to support himself or to purchase peppermint schnapps (his erstwhile drink of choice). With street whiskey in his belly and vengeance in his heart, Tipsy is now on a mission to punish all those that had wronged him. I am very enthusiastic about helping Tipsy – he made quite an impression on me the year before and I felt bad for being an active participant in the events that got him terminated. His profane and drunken demeanor, while not entirely appropriate in the serene North Pole, had been missed. We speak of a few ways to get revenge – I suggest going in with firearms blazing, but that was too forward. Then I suggest burning the place down with everyone inside, and that raised questions about my mental state. Finally, he asks what I thought about Mrs. Claus. “She’s nice enough, I guess,” I reply. “Well yeah, but what do you think about her?” he asks lewdly. “Ah,” I think, “so that’s the route we’re going.” After a quick back and forth with Tipsy, two things are established – Mrs. Claus is a sexual freak, and Tipsy thinks that the best revenge would be to steal her panties. Now, that doesn’t sound like revenge to me – more like Tipsy had fried his brain on too much street bourbon – but who am I to protest? As I nod my assent, Uber pulls a balaclava from under the seat and after a beat, Tipsy asks, “Did you have that mask under the seat the whole time?” Uber responds with a witty: “Have you been living in my back seat this whole time?” I stifle my laughter as we speed off down the street.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

We quickly pull up in front of the house, and Tipsy and I jump out of the car. He points out a ladder on the side of the house and we quietly grab it and set it up close to a window. “Now when you get in there look through everything you can. Open all the drawers, go through the closets, and see what you can find in there. Mrs. Claus, she’s a freak man. And make sure to hide if anyone comes in.” I climb the ladder and gingerly step inside a bedroom. A bedroom that is lit with Christmas lights, has holiday music playing and Christmas-themed sheets on the bed. “This must belong to Mrs. Claus,” I think. I turn to my left where a large dresser seems to have some papers sticking out of it. “At least there’s no elf on this shelf,” I mutter as I follow Tipsy’s directions and grab the first piece of paper I find. The crumpled sheet is a letter written by Tipsy and addressed to Mrs. Claus; it contains the most shocking and twisted piece of Christmas erotica I have ever come across. It is torture porn of the most literal kind and I can only hope that whoever wrote it finds mental help.*

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

After finishing the letter and wishing I had some eye bleach, I continue my search through the drawers looking for Mrs. Claus’ drawers. I don’t find them but instead find a healthy dose of electrical implements (and I’m not talking about kitchenware), more letters, sex toys, and accessories. One in particular is from Uber, the car-driving elf. “And I thought she was such a normal elf,” I muse as I read this letter. It is less horrific than Tipsy’s and ends with a jovial: “And then they went to Chili’s for steak.” I grin and move around the room to keep looking. I do note in my search that the room has a suspicious amount of water bottles – that’s never a good sign in an extreme show, but I try to keep my spirits high.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

I have only taken a few steps toward the closet to peek inside when I hear a knock at the door and a high-pitched voice ask, “Mrs. Claus, are you in there?” No time to get back out the window! I run across to the room to the closet, slide inside and quietly close the door. And as soon as I am safe inside, the door opens and a familiar brown figure tip-toes into the room. This isn’t an elf or anyone I’d actually seen before, but his brown fur and bright red nose unmistakably identifies him as Rudolph. He walks around the room looking for Mrs. Claus, and from the nature of his comments it is abundantly clear that almost everyone at the North Pole is having… relations with Mrs. Claus. I fervently hope that he won’t find me in my hiding place, but I shift my weight and inadvertently jostle a piece of clothing in the closet. The noise is loud and I cringe inwardly as Rudolph turns toward my direction, “Are you in there Mrs. Claus? Playing hard to get?” Rudolph walks over, slides the door open and, in an instant, his sing-song voice goes cold. “Who are you?” he asks as he grabs me by the shoulders. “And what are you doing in the closet?” I stammer something about being the new guy and panties as he throws me onto the bed.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

The next few minutes spent with Rudolph do not have me shouting out in glee as he interrogates me about my presence and what exactly I am doing. When my answers prove to be vague, and my denials of wrongdoing unconvincing, the vile Rudolph uses his physical prowess in an effort to make me talk. A lack of oxygen is a powerful motivator for anyone, but anything I say is dismissed out of hand. I wonder if this is the result of all of the name-calling and bullying he endured from the other reindeer when he begins choking me again. I withstand the torment and reflect that, given the amount of energy it takes to deliver presents to every good boy and girl around the world, Rudolph could literally keep this up for days. Just as I start to see stars in my vision, the door bursts open and a new elf appears.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

This newcomer, Zippy the elf, is another that I had not seen before. He is wearing a solid black bondage mask with no eyeholes, and, shall we say, short-shorts. “Mrs. Claus, where are you?” he asks in a high voice similar to Rudolph’s. “What the hell is going on here? Mrs. Claus must really like hide and seek,” I think to myself. Rudolph frantically gestures for me not to move and be quiet, so I lay motionless on the bed as the unseeing elf stumbles around the room looking for, well, you know who by now. As the elf gets closer and closer, I try to squirm off the bed but Rudolph is not pleased with that decision. He grips me tightly and holds me in place when the elf, hands outstretched, makes contact with my torso. “Found you!” he exclaims in his falsetto tone as he roughly begins feeling my chest and rips off my shirt. Rudolph keeps his hand firmly on my mouth as the elf’s exploration quickly reveals that I am not, in fact, Mrs. Claus.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

In a moment of pause, Zippy stands up and quickly slides his mask off, revealing both myself and Rudolph. The two exchange words as I lay helpless on the bed. Then, the elf climbs back on top of me to continue the interrogation that the brutal reindeer started. He pulls out handcuffs that were coincidentally already attached to the bedframe and straps me to the bed. The next few minutes are a slow and painful blur of blows and vicious tickling that leave me tender and sore for days afterward. In one moment of auditory overload, Rudolph and Zippy sing a loud and off-key rendition of “Silent Night” that is stripped of any vocal harmony. This is sung directly into my ears (obviously) which is much more uncomfortable than I can describe on the page. As the minutes drag on, I hope for salvation from Tipsy, but the surly drunk is nowhere to be found. Suddenly, the door opens again. I lift my head, hopes raised, only to see two new elves entering the room.

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

The new additions are barely dressed, but what they are wearing is festive elfin garb. They are as surprised to see me as I am them and, as their shock wears off, they choose to join in the excitement. I make a mental connection that this bedroom is like an inverse clown car – it started off empty but just keeps filling up and filling up with pain-causing Christmas characters. These new elves like their water and take the opportunity of a literally captive participant to train in the fine old art of waterboarding. Being boarded is not like riding a bike, and you never truly get the hang of it – it always sucks. After a bottle of water goes down, they decide to wrap me up like a present – again reflective of the year before – but instead of wrapping paper, they use the conveniently placed saran wrap with the addition of copious amounts of ice cubes placed under my clothes, before the wrap. Once sufficiently bound, I am subjected to a few rounds of paddling and more aggressive contact. It is in the middle of this that the door bursts open again. Only this time, instead of another deviant elf, it is Mrs. Claus herself! Has rescue found me at last?

 

mrs. claus' cookies - HVRTING

 

Sadly, no, it has not. After Mrs. Claus assesses my condition and is informed that I had been caught sneaking into her bedroom to steal her panties (it sounds way worse when you type it out like that) she decides to let the torture continue. It is somewhere around this time that I realize that this is almost an inadvertent second part of the earlier interview. She climbs on top of me while I am held down by the elves; she wants me to sing her favorite Christmas song. Go figure – it is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I proceed to sing a slow and breathless version of the song (breathless due to the prior activities). Imagine “Rudolph” by way of “Happy Birthday” sung by Marilyn Monroe and you’ll be in the ballpark of how my singing is going. It doesn’t take long before my version of the song arouses her, and she begins to play with herself under her dress. As I finish the chorus, Mrs. Claus climaxes under her dress, pulls her wet panties off, and jams them into my mouth**. “This is one detail I’ll have to gloss over in some versions,” I think to myself as she departs the room to get ready for bed.

 

As the elves debate about what to do to me next, the door swings open yet again. It is Twinkle. “Christ, not her too!” I think to myself. “She is the nicest one!” And my fears, for once, are unfounded. Twinkle surveys the scene slowly and shakes her head in disappointment. “Let him go,” she says, with no small amount of exasperation. The elves prop me up onto my feet (I’m still fully wrapped in saran wrap, mind you), and Twinkle helps me hop out of the room. “Is this normal?” I ask. She turns to me and, with a weary smile and nod, simply says, “Yes.”

 

mrs. claus' cookies - HVRTING

 

She guides me outside and, over in the corner by the gazebo, I see Santa again. “Oh man, what is he going to think about all this?” I wonder as I hop over, leaving a small trail of water on the ground. As I get closer I notice Santa swaying unsteadily in the cool air. He also looks like he is talking to himself. And what is that in his hand? Is that a… a flask? “Whatchoo want?” Santa drunkenly slurs as I get closer. “Whatre you doin in there? Whatchu doin wit my wife?” Santa is blitzed (or blitzened) beyond belief. Twinkle cuts me free as I protest my guilt to Santa. He doesn’t believe anything that I say in my defense, and I think that the poor guy never really knew what kind of woman he had married. He had turned a blind eye to the events happening in his home for years and, when presented with eyewitness testimony, he chose the oldest denial trick in the book – blame the messenger. Then he fires me.

 

After threatening to call his friends to beat me up (including the Tooth Fairy, who apparently would have taken all the teeth out of my skull), Santa actually challenges me to a fight. I’m not about to hit an old man, even one slandering me and asking for it – but I puff up as though I am ready to throw down. And at that moment, someone bursts through the gate (see another theme here?) yelling “Surprise!” It’s Tipsy at last, and he’s come to get me out of this madhouse. “Dint I fire you?” Santa asks in his bleary haze. I have the newest pair of underwear from Mrs. Claus stuck in my pocket and I thrust them into Tipsy’s hands. “Here,” I cry, “they’re fresh!” Tipsy grabs them and waves them in Santa’s face. “Look what this guy was doing, old man! He was stealing panties from your wife!” he yells. “Wait a sec,” I think. “That’s not how this was supposed to go at all. The panty stealing wasn’t my idea in the least.” Tipsy proceeds to place all the blame for the day’s activities (and last year’s, too) firmly on my shoulders. And to add salt into that wound (or icing on the cake – whichever you prefer), after he completes his totally false version of events, he has the gall to ask for his job back. And, you know what, that poor drunk bastard gives it to him! With Tipsy back at the North Pole and no more job for me, it is time for me to take my leave.

 

mrs. claus' cookies - HVRTING

 

I found Mrs. Claus’ Cookies to be one of the strongest offerings from HVRTING yet. It struck a pitch perfect balance between fear and humor with a strong dose of uncomfortable adult situations. The acting talent was incredibly strong on all fronts with special mention going out to both Lacey Rae and Tristan Wells in their reprised roles as Twinkle and Tipsy – the return of those characters brought much joy and I hope that future HVRTING Christmas shows find a way to bring them back and continue this narrative. The two versions of life at the North Pole both entertained me for radically different reasons, and I’d go to either half again in a heartbeat. Having them combined into an 80-minute show was a great way to wrap up the holiday season and kick off the new year in immersive horror.

 

*and writes more immersive shows

**fine – they tasted like candy canes – pervert

 

Mrs. Claus' Cookies - HVRTING

 

To attend an extreme HVRTING show, you must email The Director to make sure the experience is a good fit. Find more information on upcoming shows and out-of-show, personal experiences on HVRTING’s websiteFacebook page, and Instagram. Check out our Event Guide for more extreme horror events throughout the year.

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